i think i'd better find some disbelief to suspend cause i don't wanna feel like this again.

i don't know how i feel.

i'm not sure if i feel a thing.

i'm listening to myself talk, and i sound dead. i look in the mirror and i can't recognize myself anymore. i don't know who i am, how i think, what i look like, what i like and hate or anything. i guess i lost it. myself.

december usually feels like this, i guess.

i took six tylenol last night. not some pathetic suicide attempt, just to get to sleep. i woke up at two in the morning and it felt like someone was stabbing me in the side, and i thought maybe i've done more damage than i thought.

i woke up this morning and i was fine though.

so who knows.

i don't remember my hands being this purple. or being able to see all the tendons and bones.

but i guess a lot of things have changed the last few weeks.

i dunno why i'm writing this. i kind of want someone to care. and then i kind of just wanna be left alone.

goodnight. i'm sorry i'm losing my mind. not that i ever really had it.

i broke.

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you and things we used to do

i broke.

i dunno if it's good or bad. but i sat here sobbing all last night, woke up this morning, thought i'd be okay and now i'm crying again.

i don't even know why.

everything just hit me.

i haven't cried like this in over a year.

i forgot how bad it hurts.

it's gonna be alrighttt.

i want to dance and sing and drink and smoke and fuck and kiss and get high and write and paint and live and laugh and cry and cook and smile because this is life and i'm gonna live it all and i'm gonna feel it now, cause i'm sick of not feeling a thing and forgetting my whole life.

i haven't thrown up in over a week. haven't even thought of it. it just doesn't appeal to me anymore and i think it's really over.

i'm high right now and i don't hate myself. it feels fucking good. and you know what? being sober feels good too.

i could cry it feels so good.

i just feel okay. there isn't anything left to hate and i'm out of regrets. i'm done living in the past but i can't quite look at the future yet so i'm just gonna live this day by day and hope it keeps going like this.

my goddd. it feels so weird but it feels so good to be okay. and i am. i'm really okay.

i ate today. and for the first time in over three years, i didn't feel guilty or weighed down or bloated and i didn't want to throw up. i felt healthy.

it's going to be okay. there's so much beauty in all the little things and if you can sit down and stop thinking and start feeling for a moment, it just makes it all worth it.

you're not taking this away from me without a fight. it's felt so good to be alive the last few days.

smile. :)

question and answer.

i've been looking for answers. i've been getting high or staying sober and staying up all night and thinking and thinking and trying to find the answer for why i am the way i am today.

i found it.

question: why do i do the things i've done to myself and why did i want it?

answer: i'm afraid of sameness. i hate routine.

it explains everything. why did i always cheat on people? i got bored. i got sick of the sameness. why can't i hold a relationship? because we always fall into the same routines and patterns.

why do i always end up with a new group every few months? i figure out what everyone does and how they spend their time and it isn't new anymore.

why was last summer and september so terrible in retrospect? i fell into routine. i spent every day the same way, doing the same things and keeping the same hours and nothing new happened. nobody new showed up. nothing changed.

why was liz so important? she pulled me out of that. she was that new person. she was that change. and why didn't i get bored of her? she wasn't everyone else. i broke every one of my rules about dating with her. she's exactly the opposite of everyone i've dated.

for the longest time, when i looked back on october-january, i always wondered where i went wrong and how i managed to fuck it up. it started to feel the same. i got bored of waking up every morning and doing work and skateboarding and cooking and then going to sleep so i stuck a toothbrush down my throat again.

and then once that was the same, i stopped, and when life without bulimia became the same, i started again, and when that was routine too, i started getting high and i was always so pissed off and sad when i was high because it made me think about who i was and where i went wrong and i hated everything about myself and i hated myself for fucking it up without any real reason.

once the pot and alcohol became routine, i threw in coke and x and vicodin until they ran out.

why was i always so drawn to drugs and eating disorders and the lives of those people? because it was so completely different from what i was.

every spring and summer, i've gotten sick of myself and i try to completely change who i am. i change my hair and makeup and clothes and friends and habits and speech and hobbies, and by autumn and winter i'm sick of living my newest experiment and i come back to myself, and i'm not as flashy or out there but i'm happy. and then happiness fades away and life turns into routine and then it all repeats.

and i've been so unhappy because i keep focusing on one thing; my life will revolve around bulimia or cigarettes or drugs or a girl or something, anything and then i'll get bored and sick of it and try to make it stop and find something new. my life can't revolve around just one obsession of the week because it makes me miserable.

i'm always fascinated by old pictures of myself when i'm high because i can't recognize who i was then. i can't believe that it's me that i'm looking at and i can't believe that was the life i was living.

i need variety. i need more than this house and these stories i write and these cigarettes i smoke and the coffee i drink every morning.

so if all of this is true, how come i keep coming back to the same girl i've been with on and off with for years? she's never the same. things are always new with her because she doesn't fall into routine.

she's the one thing i'll keep the same because i need something constant so i don't lose all of myself in the puppets i keep letting turn into me and play out my life with.

i can be happy now. i can make this all stop and i can fix this. i can make myself happy. oh my fucking god, it's over. i can be happy again.

fucking christ, this is long.

what we wanted.

really, when i look back at the past, when all i did was cut when i was like, 11 and i was trying to find why i was so sad, i wanted this. i wanted to be the person i am. i made this.

and you know what? i don't regret it. i don't regret the sex or drugs or the world of self destruction i built for myself, because i wouldn't know what i do now. i got exactly what i wanted, and the allure's gone and i'm sure my body can't take too much more, so it's over. i lived what i wanted and now i need to let it go.

i think it's time to let go and let myself be happy.

i'm not saying i'm going to stop doing drugs, because i'm sure i'm always going to roll a joint or pop some oxy's and enjoy the feelings, but there's more than that. i'm saying that i'm the star and the most important person in my own play, but nobody's watching. nobody cares as much as i do about my sadness, it isn't destroying anyone like it is me, and if i die, i'll just be forgotten.

i'm saying that i've lived to the fullest extend of self destruction, and i'm glad i did, but now it's time to move on and see what else there is to see in the other direction.

just pretend i didn't tear your world apart.

hey.

ladida. she doesn't get it.

andd i haven't slept in 2 days and i spent the night having panic attacks.

funfunfunfun.

october.

it's funny because the cycle was right again, right down to the date.

i'm weird.

i'm happy.

seriously. i'm genuinely happy. and i'm going to kansas or kyra's coming to new york in december and then we're flying to california :)

so i need to come up with like $1000 in two months.

i only make like $300 a month. fuck. lmao. and i still really have to fix my computer.

this weekend was perfect. like, really perfect. like, everything you've ever wanted from a person and a place and just life being handed to you without you ever having to ask.

yeah, that kind of perfect.

rip baby.

i thought she was getting better. she seemed so much healthier today. she was up and wagging her tail and everything. and then i came home from work and she just barked at me once and when i walked in she was just.. laying there with her head falling off the bed and her mouth open and she could hardly breathe.

i just held her and kissed her and told her she'd be okay, that she'd get better and my poor puppy looked at me and stopped breathing.

i can't forget that. i looked my baby in the eyes while she died and i lied to her. i lied to my dog.

and i keep hearing my mom screaming and shaking her and just screaming and screaming and my dad standing outside the window with his fucking cigarette in his hand.

i never realized how much i love that insane little hairball until now.

i can't remember the last time i cried this much in one night. i went downstairs and kissed her goodnight and she was still warm. the look on her face just killed me. she was in so much fucking pain and i couldn't do anything to help her.

she was always terrified of being alone. she was abused so badly before we had her and whenever we went on vacation, she would freak out and always have to be in the same room as one of us, and we'd take her in the car with us wherever we went. at least she didn't have to die alone.

god. my poor baby. my poor poor little shadow. she's only 8 years old at the oldest and she's dead. my mom keeps telling me that i have to let myself feel pain and she thinks that just because i won't cry it doesn't hurt. laura keeps telling me that she loved me with all her heart and you know what? i loved her too.

i have her collar and a sweatshirt that's covered with her fur in my bed with me. gross? yeah. i don't care.

the last picture ever taken of her was with me. two weeks ago she was perfectly healthy and now she's a corpse. i just can't fucking believe this.

i hope we made her happy enough to make up for how much she suffered.

i don't even know how many times i fell asleep crying on you and you'd always make me smile. i love you, my beautiful, smart, sweet puppy. rest in peace <33

i couldn't think of a title.

she makes me smile. she gets me. she's been through the eating disorders and depression and anxiety and she knows all the right things to say. she's really amazing.

shit. so this has gone from a spark of interest like a year ago to ignoring it to meaningless almost sex to a tiny crush to.. this.

i mean she isn't straight.. but i dunno how far "open" extends. it's weird. because it's not so much that i want sex or even a relationship, i just feel so normal around her. except that's not the right word.

uhggg. this is ridiculous but i really don't care because it's not like i'm going to act on this unless she gives me a reason to.

she has the cutest freckles on her nose and she kissed me again tonight while we were laying in the grass and looking at the stars and pretty much telling each other our life stories. she told me how amazing and smart and gorgeous she thinks i am and that she thinks i have the prettiest eyes and i never remember things like that but i remember every word.

okay i sound like a creep. whateverrr. this is just so weird coming from me.

we got in one of those cute coupleish arguments where she's like "you're hot" and i'm like no you are.

i need to stop. i'm gonna stop now i promise haha

sooo i got a job at the library :DD andand i make $8 an hour which is okay and i work 4 days a week to start.. which is like reallyy good for the library. usually they start you at like 2 hours a week and i got 8 :D

lmao, shut up, it's a start. i need money. and jason works at the library! <33 omg yay i'm hanging out with him on sunday.. i miss him so much. he was at camp for forever and then i was in north carolina ): blah.

23 days until kansas. i should be more excited but i'm not. we'll see what happens i guess.

stupid thing that'll come to pull us apart.

rawr.

i haven't blogged in a while. butttt now i am (:

i'm in north carolina :O but i'm leaving tomorroww ahhh. and then i'm leaving for kansas in like 3 weeks omg.

oh jesus christ i just realized today is kyra's and my 3 year anniversary thing. except i still don't know what we are. i dunno. it's complicated okay? just go with it D:<

rawrrrr.

i can't wait to see kyra (: i miss her <3

ladidaa.

i can't believe summer is over already. D: WHATTHESHIT. I WAS JUST GETTING USED TO IT. uhggg it was so cold all summer too D:

oh well. at least it'll be a little warm for another month.

lalalalaa. i like the beach :D

hiii.

heyyy worlddd.

uhmm. so im gonna be all mopey and cereal for like 2 seconds. aka more than that but whatever.

soo. last night i threw up for the first time in a week i threw up blood. not like a ton but it was like the size of my palm, yknow? and it's like, shit man. and my throat still fucking hurts like a bitch and im legit sorta scared.

it's like, okay, i've peaked.

soo. i'm done. i'm trying this one last time by myself, and if i can do it, that's great, but if i can't, i just can't and i guess it's rehab time.

yeahh. had to share.

anywayyyyy so i was playing sonic last night and i was all omfg childhood memories <3 and the fact that it's still fun makes me all happy inside, lmao.

ohh so i finally talked to gabbyy and haha she's cutee. and apparently im going to kings park saturday. she told me so :P

blahhh im being so weird right now. im gonna stop writing this, lmao.

byee creepers of the world (;

gasppp.

hello world. i had an epiphany last night while i was sitting on a streetcar.

i have absolutely no reason at all to be so miserable. i'm ungrateful.

if i want to get better, i need the willpower to actually get better.

(:

rawrrr i'm in toronto. only 3 more days until i can go home yay :D

uhmm. yeahh. (: life makes me happy. <3

rawrrrr.

so what is it that you all used to see in me and when did i lose it?

helloo worlddd. i got my lip piercedd (: haha my mom won't stop telling me how ugly i look and i'm like um thanks.

i hooked up with laura. :x but she's not strictly straight and it was her idea so.. uh. i guess it's okay, lmao.

and i hooked up with maya. D: but she's bi so it's okay.

wtf i'm a whore. lmfao. i'm seeing freddie tomorrow and he's being all cute and stuff (:

mmmm drunk feels good. yay for hard liquor <3

i dunno what to sayy. soo uhm bye i guess (: <3

instant gratification.

that's what this eating disorder and the drugs i do are all about, right? fuck tomorrow, feel okay now. i'm such a perfectionist but i always end up settling for less. i got a 2000 on the sat but what if i actually studied for the damn thing? but it's like, oh well i did okay it's good enough.

i dunno.

instant gratification. what a horrible way to live.

ANYWAYYYYY.

so i made some salad today and it was a yummy salad and i eated it and then i was happy. HAPPY SALADDDD. :D

yayyy (:

happy maggie (:

hellooo amazing worldd (:

haha no the good mood isn't because of kayla.

okay partly. because she makes me smile and all that mushy sappy stuff.

but i'm actually in a good mood. have been. it's nice. (: haha i love how a week ago i was like 'kyraaa :'(' and now im like leave me alonee you missed your chance. good old me. back to moving on in like a week. i like it this way.

haha soo saturday was cute and stuff. (:

yeah i'm happy. weird i know. (:

(:

hello world. i just got home from the city. i spent the night in a certain kyra's hotel and somehow her dad didn't wake up/notice me. :D

(:

lmao. i'm never going to see central park the same way again.

omg so tired. i'm gonna sleep and then i'm going back to the city and yeah. (:

byeeeee world <3

new years resolutions

six months late haha

-okayy i'm a size 00 again. let's keep it that way
-i haven't thrown up in 6 days. i haven't gone on a planned binge/purge in 2 months. let's keep it that way
-i'm not going to blow off my friends for my girlfriend. D:<
-i need to know that i'm capable of being in a relationship that doesn't turn into the most important thing in my life
-i'm not going to keep blowing off plans because i feel fat.
-i'm not going to say i'm gonna stop drinking because let's be realistic. but i really should act like a normal girl and cry when i'm sad or something goes wrong instead of drowning myself in alcohol.
-just because i don't like anybody right now doesn't mean i need to be lonely.

most of those are hardly resolutions. but oh well.

sooooo. i'm going out in like half an hour. haha at midnight how safe. and i'm going to the city tomorroww (: andd. idk about the rest of my weekend yet
but yeahh.
i'm actually in a pretty good mood. still. hm.

it's nice. i like it.

hellooo world (:

oh my goddd i've been in such a good mood the last few days (: except friday night/saturday morning that was like awful lmfao. i had like the worst panic attack ive had since like.. last year and i was like shaking and hyperventilating and crying but then i didn't even know why so i stopped. and then i passed out on my bathroom floor.. LMFAO.

ooo so the sat wasn't bad at all. haha it was just long and i finished all the sections early so i was like "OHMAGODSOBOREDWANTACIGARETTE"

anddd my nose doesn't hurt anymore yayy :D but i woke up with blood like all over my face this morning wtf?

omg im finally gonna get my ears pierced. haha i was more scared to get my ears pierced than my nose how stupid am i?

lmfao@me maya and kaitlyn last night funniest shit ever.

OH MA GAD I MISS JESSE HE NEEDS TO GET HIS LICENSE ALREADY D:< haha (:

i'm back down to like.. 89-92 pounds so i feel sooo much better about myself lmao

so pretty much life is good. :D the end

here we go again

sooo. the usual. blahblahblah threw up blah blah blah poor me blah blah blah self pity.

i was talking to this girl earlier and apparently she lives right around here. she went to four winds and presbrytarian and valhalla and everything. borderline, depression, bulimia.. all that jazz. she's a couple of years older than me. and i've known her for like, 12 hours. but she actually said something that got to me.

"Get yourself together, I've missed out on my life because of all of this, it isn't worth it." :\

idkk. i'm just crazy and sleep deprived. i forgot to take those sleeping pill things.. lmao oops.

lol@me

oh well. i'll be okay.

well this is odd

sooo my mood swings are getting really out of control :| it's like one minute i'm all yay life and then i'm like WAH POOR ME and then i'm like ooo food and then i'm all SO FAT CAN'T EAT HNNNNNN and then i'm like life sucks again

except moreso. lmao

idkk i cant sleep either and then it makes everything worse and sleeping meds aren't helping

it sucks

ANYWAYYYYY so i'm taking the sat in like 2 days and i'm gonna fucking die omg

andd i need a girlfriend LMFAO i'm pathetic but yeah

because now i'm over you

and now i'm lonely D:<

ohhh welll life is goooddd :)

blahblahblah

soo i deleted that last blog because it was too emo even for me.

welll i finally got some sleep last night and ive been in a good mood all dayy :D

jeezzz thank god i feel like i'm finally normaling out again. normaling isn't even a word. emo doesn't suit me.

hmm. so i'm (attempting) avoiding you. except i think you're mad at me so it's k lol but im like almost over you. it's about fucking time lol

YAYYY IT'S JUNE

HOLY SHIT I HAVE THE SATS NEXT WEEK FML

kill me

LOL SO MY LAPTOP CHARGER LIKE, MELTED WTF?

anddd im finally getting my fucking nose pierced yayyyy

okayyy i'm done im gonna go be happy :)

lol

okay so i know i posted a blog last night but i was drunk so it doesn't count

sooo. i was talking to liz last night and she pretty much told me what i already know: that i really do need help and i actually talked to my dad about the whole bulimic thing. and i was like why didn't you take me to the hospital when you found out? and he's like well i thought you could get better on your own and we might get in trouble.

honestly? "because we'll get in trouble"? that's his excuse for why he wont take me to the hospital when i need stitches or i broke a bone and why he won't take me to the doctor when i'm sick because god forbid somebody sees year old scars.

and their reason for taking me to presbrytarian hospital last year? "we had no choice!"aka they tried to like beat me up and i'd just beat both of them up instead lol and then they took me there for MY anger problems. nothing was wrong with me then that they knew about like what the fuck. thanks dad.

whatever. it just pisses me off.

saklhga

dearrr lifeee i am an assholeee :)

and idk i need a 4 month late rebound or something idk i wish i liked guys because like lol so many guys like me but of course i cant just be fucking bi or something.

idk what i am like why cant we just chose who we like or our sexuality? i mean i know my life would be sooo much easier if i could just be fucking straight. and i know i never complain about it because ive known for like ever but honestly?

is it so much to ask for for a girl to like me?

haha apparently

oh wellllll. im drunk i dont really care about anything right now so it's all good

lmaooo wtffff im so fucking overemotional i never used to act like this.

im being retarded.

i am retarded lol wtf

:)

dear blog/sam/world.

todai was amazing. even if i was like so tired i felt drunk

:)

the end.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

things bothering me right now in a pretty little list:

1. girls are fucking confusing and frustrating and aklhgak
2. love sucks.
3. i want a fucking cigarette godamnit
4. i can't find jesse's number and i was supposed to call him tomorrow/today. DDDDDDD:<
5. i feel sooooo fucking fat
6. why can't my parents smoke better cigarettes? honestly who smokes lights?
7. JESUS CHRSIT IM TAKING THE SATS IN LIKE 2 WEEKS.
8. so now im about to like freak out because i have so many fucking tests
9. my dad and his stupid mood swings
10. love
11. love
12. love
13. stillll cant fucking get over her. :| IVE NEVER LIKED ONE EX FOR THIS LONG.
14. WHY DO BOYS WITH GIRLFRIENDS ALWAYS KISS ME?
15. why can't i like boys?
16. i wanna see jesseee :) <3
17. it's 2:30 in the morning
18. i REALLY want a fucking cigarette
19. writer's blockk
20. GIMME A CIGARETTE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

through drunken minds speak sober hearts

lol@dumbass quote. but i like it so eh.

omg lmfao the fucked up stupid things i say/write when i'm drunk. i'm so stupid.

sooo. i was being all antisocial for like a month. like i wouldn't talk to anybody and i hardly went out or anything cause i felt fat and i didn't want to deal with people. but i'm but to normal now

and i'm eating like i used to. and i'm burning a lot more than i eat so yayyy :D

aklsghslkh rawrrr. i saw dan and jenny yesterdayyy :) andandand lol me and dan spent like an hour just driving around singing nevershoutnever and i kissed a girl (he has the most fucking amazing car and he just drives around blasting music <3) and he kissed me goodbye and i was like yey.

anddd im seeing jesse this weekenddd. :D

YAY LIFEEEE.

byee <3

..

There is nothing for which I am responsible.
Just this baggage I'll keep carrying on as if
I had someone.

OK, maybe there is a woman somewhere
who's still thinking of me
or a girl with coal black hair
who's haunted in her dreams.
But what they've seen, well it wasn't me.
It was just some lie that they slept beside.
I kept this from them
but I can't keep this from you.

So will you look for me
in that strange, bright place.
Where the statues bloom in the park.
They don't need no rain.

Because how I ever got to you, I have no idea.
It's like some secret door, well it just appeared.
So, no matter what I do from now on with my time.
you will always stay here in my mind.
I am certain of this and I am not certain of anything.

So I want to get myself attached to something bolted down,
So that these winds of circumstance won't keep blowing me around.
From when I land to when I leave
there is enough time to sleep and sing.
I keep running around, when all I want is to lay motionless.

that song always uesd to make me think of kyra. and then i would cry. it makes me me think of sam now. it still makes me cry though.

i like drinking.. because i never really tell people what i feel. i'm always afraid they'll laugh at me or something. and when i'm drunk it doesn't matter anymore.. it's not what other people think. it's just the feelings that matter.

i enver cry. i haven't cried since march.. and i haven't actually cried since november when me and liz broke up.. but i cried a lot tonight..

everybody's right.. i just.. i dnno. i like poeple because they make me happy

but aren't i allowed to be happy? like liz.. we dont really talk anymore but i wouldn't be.. well im not happy now really but when i was happy i wouldnt' have been ifit wasn't for ehr.. and sam.. sam's the best thing that's ever happened to me. she really is. and i love her so much..

i dunno. life is just frustrating. love sucks. life is frusting.. but life doesn't suck.

i miss youuu.

fine. i love you.

im going to sleep now.. g'night <3

dear love

please die.

love sucks. love fucking sucks. i hate love. i wish i could be drunk forever.

molly's asleep and i just sat on my bathroom floor and cried. i don't do crying. ever.

love is bullshit. i give up. :(

it's not like i deserve to be happy anyway.

im gonna go finish the beer. maybe then i wont care anymore.

sigh.

drunekn ramblings. drunken self hatred.

fuck love. love isn't real.

love is alcohol.

bye.

me + vodka = no

oh god. i drank soo fucking much. even by my standards. like i'm okay now. which is kinda crazy cause i was totally shitfaced 2 hours ago but whatever.

i think i told sam i liked her or something. yeah i did. .oops. awkward. i don't. idk. it's confusing. and i gave this guy my number and he's adorablee <33 but he was kinda mean to kaitlyn.. except not really he just said that she wasn't as pretty as me.. but i felt bad cause im ugly lmao.

idk. im crazyyy.

but i got his number. and kaitlyn kissed me and then threw up 5 times and passed out in my bed.

and then i called margaret. and we went on angry rants about our exes. aka kyra andd.. yeah.

and then i ate some bread and now i'm like totally sober.

and now here i am.

yayyyy alcohol.

wtf since when is it 4:40?

holyyy shit wtf i don't remember anything i've done for the last 4 hours. i just looked at the clock and like wtf it's almost 5. WTF IT WAS JUST 3.

sooo. i had a weird night. lol. i got in this really stupid fight with my parents and blahblahblah my mom hit me i hit back and she called the cops. and then i got handcuffed. D:< and then the guy told me if i didn't "calm down" they would take me to valhalla. wtf. yeah i'm the one with problems and everything but it was my mom who went all crazy on me not the other way around.

oh well.

and then i called my friend. aka margaret. aka the girl kyra cheated on me with. weird i know. but whatever. and she was all omg i'm going to nyc sometime (idr when) and i was all omg we're hanging out. and then sam called and i was all omgggg and then i felt really bad cause i didn't know what to say. and yeah.

and now it's 5 am. and here i am.

i just ate chocolate for the first time in like weeks. it was just like 4 of those crappy semi sweet chocolate chips but it's the best thing i've ever tasted omg <33333

and now my stomach hurts.

i think im gonna sleep. maybe. eventually.

night <3

actually now that i actually posted this it's almost 6. fml.

predictable

your smile is strained and you're waiting
for a kiss that just won't come

sooo. i relapsed. haha relapse. i sound like i'm a methhead or something. whatever. it was just for a couple of days. it's not the end of the world. i'll just try again :)

anddd. this is officially the longest i've ever been single. like ever since i was 11 and i had my first boyfriend lmao. D: i hate being single. oh well. it's not the end of the world.

anddd. there's this girl. and i don't really know why i can't get over her but i can't. and this is the longest i've ever been stuck on one freaking person. and it's not like i haven't tried because there's been plenty of other people. oh well. i'll just try harder. it's not the end of the world

anddd. i finally got my period. :o like it stopped for a couple of days when i started throwing up again but it's all good again. and i'm almost back to size 00. yayyy. :)

andd.. actually that's it.

31 days

still ain't getting any easier. :\

sooo. i was the (slightly) sober friend for a change last night. lmao. so molly slept over and kaitlyn was there for a while but she left. and took a whole pack of my fucking cigarettes. D:< like wtf i know she has money problems and whatever but i'm not made out of fucking money. she still hasn't paid me back for her $100 apw ticket. or all the packs of cigarettes she takes. like wtf if money is as tight as she says it is stop fucking smoking.

buttttt anywayyy. so. uhm. we had 3 six packs. molly drank 4. i drank the rest. i was tipsy for 20 minutes. she was piss drunk for the rest of the night and kept begging me for more. i was like "YOU DON'T NEED ANYMORE YOU'RE DRUNK D:<" and she's like "no i'm not bitc--OMG THAT BRIDGE IS SO BIG MAGGIE LOOK AT THE BRIDGE OMG IT'S SO BIGGG IT WAS NEVER THAT BIG BEFORE -tripfalldie-"

yeppp.

ohhh so i'm finally done being all antisocial and everything. thank godd. lmao.

uhh. i have nothing to write about.

OH WAIT. i finally got my period. :o yayyyy i'm not dyinggg.

i'm actually happy to be on my period lmfao i haven't had a legit period in months (last month it was 2 days long and i didn't get it at all in march)

alkshgalkshgklhkh im doneee byeeee.

shgkjakg

so my friend might be pregnant. :x
our conversation?
her: it broke
me: huh?
her: it broke
me: you broke his cock?!
her: no. it starts with a c
me: ..you broke your cunt?
her: no
me: clit?
her: co..
me: you broke your.. cont?
her: cond.
me: JESUS CHRIST.

soooo. yeah. :\
uhmmm. so i visited suny purchase the other day. and like omgggg i have never seen so many gay pride badge/color wearing, paint covered smoking people. i was like, "omg my peopleeee <33333"

godd i can't believe im applying to colleges in like, 4 months. idk if i like it or not.

uhhh. that's it for now i guess

byee <3

lmfao

omg awkwardest weirdest conversation ever = kyra + "wait you're not a virgin?"

and then she practically interviewed me on everybody i've ever had sex with. and then told me everybody she's had sex with even though it was so obvious she was lying about like all of them.. lmao.

yayyy for odd ex girlfriends with compulsive lying problems.

ohhh by the wayy i'm pretty sure i have borderline. it sounds exactly like me.

People with this disorder are prone to unpredictable outbursts of anger, which sometimes manifest in self-injurious behavior. Borderlines are highly sensitive to rejection, and fear of abandonment may result in frantic efforts to avoid being left alone, such as suicide threats and attempts. Those suffering from BPD are also prone to other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating, risky sex, and drug and alcohol abuse. They often exhibit additional psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and other personality disorders. Symptoms typically begin in early adulthood, and once present, can interfere with relationships, work performance, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. The disorder is also referred to as Emotional Regulation Disorder (ERD), which many feel more accurately describes the true nature of the illness.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image.
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (extreme changes in mood typically lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

like every single one of those is exactly like me. that's pretty much a giant paragraph that perfectly describes my personality. there isn't a single thing there that doesn't apply to me. idk. haha. and avoidant personality disorder too.

ohh and i went on this whole rant about when recovery ends and life starts. like seriously. i'm a recovering anorexic, bulimic, druggie, alkie and cutter. it's like, when does recovery end and life start?

i was thinking about it though, and really, life is recovery. every day is a struggle. every time i eat i have this awful urge to go and stick a toothbrush down my throat or just not eat. i can't remember the last time i went through a day without thinking about walking to shoprite and getting a 12 pack or a bunch of wine and drinking it all.

recovery is life. life is learning and growing and making mistakes and learning from them. all my stupid addictions are my mistakes, and recovery is learning from them.

well that's.. even dumber than what i normally write. which is saying something. but i dunno.

sooooo. i'm visiting suny purchase tomorrow. even though i don't really want to go to school.. anywhere in the northeast really, but eh. my parents are kinda pushing it on me. i dunno. it might be okay.

wow. this is long. i doubt anybody's gonna read this all. if you do.. uhh. have a cookie.

small favors

dear sam. i loveeeeeeeee youuuu. :) you make me smile. even though it feels like we hardly ever talk anymore and i miss you :(

sooo. kyra called earlier. and.. i dunno. i've been really lonely lately. and i haven't talked to her in 3 months so we talked. about life and her boyfriend and my lack thereof.

and it was nice.

then we started talking about how things used to be and how we finally, FINALLY got over everything we did to each other.

and then she told me she still loves me. :\

i mean, i love her. i have to love her. it's like second nature to me to love her.

i dunno.

i hate how i do this. i lead people on and i let them start to like me and get their hopes up and i really just like one person and it isn't any of them. like whatthehell i just realized how many people i'm doing that to right now. i did this a year ago when i wasn't over kyra to kaitlyn and dylan and dan and amanda and i'm doing it again now to kyra and leo and vincent and amber uhg.

god.

love sucks.

the end. :)

ps. i want a hug.

god.

my fucking therapist. isn't he supposed to be on my side?

>:\

now he's got me studying for the sats. and i'm taking them in june.

like i need any more stress.

god. i'm fifteen fucking years old. i'm not supposed to be scheduling college visits and studying for the sats. i'm supposed to go out and get shitfaced and stoned.

sigh.

oo. so may 18th 2006. the day i came out. :\ yes i still remember lol.

my life has just been a downward spiral ever since.

i feel like just laying down and giving up.

yeah i'm not really in the best mood. sorry.

lskghalkh rawrrr :)

my stomach hurtsss, :(

it's liz's birthdayy. :D i actually called her. cause i'm cool like that. and it's like. whoa. i haven't heard her voice in 6+ months.

don't worry i'm not gonna get all mopey and "wah i miss her" but it's like whoa six months is a long time.

ahaha.

ohhh so me and kaitlyn sorta found out who kaitlyn's dad is. he works at the gas station we buy cigarettes from when the convenience store won't. we've buying cigarettes from her dad for the last god knows how many weeks.

it's crazy.

ohh so i went all.. rawr on life last night. i dunno. i guess i'm kind of on the edge of having another mini emotional breakdown. the last time i had one of those was last year and i ended up in a couple of different mental hospitals.

maybe it's what i need though. i dunno.

OHH AND OMG I FOUND THIS DIARY I KEPT IN 6TH-7TH GRADE LAST NIGHT.

well diaries. there's like 6 notebooks of them. yes i used to keep one. bite me.

it's just kinda crazy to read all this stuff. like it feels like it was forever that i hated myself for being gay but it was only a couple of weeks. and it felt like it took forever for me to start thinking that i was like a full on lesbian instead of being bi but it was only a monthish.

anddd. i spent like 3 hours calling colleges earlier. all of them will take me with a ged and a year of community college. i don't even have to take the SAT's.

so there goes my last chance of going to high school. and new paltz is out. i need 45 credits to transfer in there and i'm not spending 2 years at wcc. oh well. it wasn't like my dream school or anything.

it looks like most of them (UBC pratt, york, blah blah blah) just want 24 credits and a 2.6 gpa. university of iowa wants 24 credits, 2.59 gpa and a 540 ged. which shouldn't be too hard-my gpa from the high school classes i took in 7th/8th grade was like a 3.7 or a 3.8 or something.

:\ i guess i should start working on a portfolio.

sigh.

:)

reasons i love life right noww:

1) it's springgg!!
2) everything's green
3) i've been wearing shorts & tshirts for the past 2 days
4) i have sunburnnn
5) ive been awake since like 8
6) jeffrey (aka mr rawr im a rapist) got caught making out with travis in a bathroom at school. travis is his brother.

i can die happy now. LMFAO

:\

grrr lifeee. grrr peopleee. grr my dad.

lol@the word gr.

ahaha soo i pulled another "rawr let's disappear" thing yesterday and walked around croton until 2:30 in the morning. then it started raining. and i got hit in the face with hail. and the chain on my bike like died. D:<

my dad told me to get out. i did. :\

omggg i spent like 2 hours in the comic book store (stfu im friends with the guy who owns it) talking to this guy leo about life and philosophy an freddie vs jason. he was pretty awesome. :D

i think i have a thing for black guys. especially the ones with emotional problems :x

i kinda freaked out last night and today. haha. idk. i just threw myself a day long pity party. i dunno why. buuuuutttt i'm pretty much all good now. my dad's just an ass and i'm just sick of everybody telling me to kill myself. i know i'm too sensitive.. i guess that's just the way i am.

ohh and i'm not nearly as addicted to smoking as i was afraid i was. i didn't smoke for like.. almost 24 hours. and when i did it was just because i was bored.

sooo. uhh. i dunno. ohohohoh and i only have to lose 3 more pounds and ill be back to the weight i was at before i started throwing up every day. soo.. that's good. except 3 pounds is a lot harder than it sounds when you're like a fucking midget D:<

okayyy i'm doneee :)

wow mood swings

i chain smoked until the room started spinning and wrote a 5,000 word short story.

i feel better now. :)

AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TOMORROW & ALL WEEKEND :3

yayyyy lifeee <3333

i love springg. omgomgomg and it's soo pretty outside. there's like flowers everywhere and the trees have leaves on them and.. :) yay.

maggie happyyyyy

also sam ily <3333

fuck you.

D:<

scrambled shit

so i was making pancakes a little while ago. and i wanted chocolate chip pancakes but we didn't have any chocolate chips so i put chocolate syrup in instead.

i had to cook it like scrambled eggs

it looks like scrambled shit.

it's the best thing i have ever tasted.

i freaking love you

i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you

some decisions you don't make

i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you

i know that it is late 

but thank you for talking cause i needed to

some things just can't wait

so that explains how i feel better than i probably can.

and i actually do feel so much better now.

..:)

thank you for existing.

this wasted year

hai new blog.

i'm a wreck.

ten months sitting here trying so fucking hard to stay sober all down the fucking drain in bottles of shitty red wine.

i have no idea what i'm doing.

everything wrong and all my sadness is turning from something that affects me in days and weeks and months into years and no matter how hard i try to make it stop, no matter long i stay clean or sober, it always comes back. six years of cutting. three years of drinking. two and a half years of eating disorders. two years of painkillers.

somebody please just tell me that it's going to be okay someday. because i'm starting to lose faith in myself.