i think i'd better find some disbelief to suspend cause i don't wanna feel like this again.

i don't know how i feel.

i'm not sure if i feel a thing.

i'm listening to myself talk, and i sound dead. i look in the mirror and i can't recognize myself anymore. i don't know who i am, how i think, what i look like, what i like and hate or anything. i guess i lost it. myself.

december usually feels like this, i guess.

i took six tylenol last night. not some pathetic suicide attempt, just to get to sleep. i woke up at two in the morning and it felt like someone was stabbing me in the side, and i thought maybe i've done more damage than i thought.

i woke up this morning and i was fine though.

so who knows.

i don't remember my hands being this purple. or being able to see all the tendons and bones.

but i guess a lot of things have changed the last few weeks.

i dunno why i'm writing this. i kind of want someone to care. and then i kind of just wanna be left alone.

goodnight. i'm sorry i'm losing my mind. not that i ever really had it.