lol

okay so i know i posted a blog last night but i was drunk so it doesn't count

sooo. i was talking to liz last night and she pretty much told me what i already know: that i really do need help and i actually talked to my dad about the whole bulimic thing. and i was like why didn't you take me to the hospital when you found out? and he's like well i thought you could get better on your own and we might get in trouble.

honestly? "because we'll get in trouble"? that's his excuse for why he wont take me to the hospital when i need stitches or i broke a bone and why he won't take me to the doctor when i'm sick because god forbid somebody sees year old scars.

and their reason for taking me to presbrytarian hospital last year? "we had no choice!"aka they tried to like beat me up and i'd just beat both of them up instead lol and then they took me there for MY anger problems. nothing was wrong with me then that they knew about like what the fuck. thanks dad.

whatever. it just pisses me off.

saklhga

dearrr lifeee i am an assholeee :)

and idk i need a 4 month late rebound or something idk i wish i liked guys because like lol so many guys like me but of course i cant just be fucking bi or something.

idk what i am like why cant we just chose who we like or our sexuality? i mean i know my life would be sooo much easier if i could just be fucking straight. and i know i never complain about it because ive known for like ever but honestly?

is it so much to ask for for a girl to like me?

haha apparently

oh wellllll. im drunk i dont really care about anything right now so it's all good

lmaooo wtffff im so fucking overemotional i never used to act like this.

im being retarded.

i am retarded lol wtf

:)

dear blog/sam/world.

todai was amazing. even if i was like so tired i felt drunk

:)

the end.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

things bothering me right now in a pretty little list:

1. girls are fucking confusing and frustrating and aklhgak
2. love sucks.
3. i want a fucking cigarette godamnit
4. i can't find jesse's number and i was supposed to call him tomorrow/today. DDDDDDD:<
5. i feel sooooo fucking fat
6. why can't my parents smoke better cigarettes? honestly who smokes lights?
7. JESUS CHRSIT IM TAKING THE SATS IN LIKE 2 WEEKS.
8. so now im about to like freak out because i have so many fucking tests
9. my dad and his stupid mood swings
10. love
11. love
12. love
13. stillll cant fucking get over her. :| IVE NEVER LIKED ONE EX FOR THIS LONG.
14. WHY DO BOYS WITH GIRLFRIENDS ALWAYS KISS ME?
15. why can't i like boys?
16. i wanna see jesseee :) <3
17. it's 2:30 in the morning
18. i REALLY want a fucking cigarette
19. writer's blockk
20. GIMME A CIGARETTE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

through drunken minds speak sober hearts

lol@dumbass quote. but i like it so eh.

omg lmfao the fucked up stupid things i say/write when i'm drunk. i'm so stupid.

sooo. i was being all antisocial for like a month. like i wouldn't talk to anybody and i hardly went out or anything cause i felt fat and i didn't want to deal with people. but i'm but to normal now

and i'm eating like i used to. and i'm burning a lot more than i eat so yayyy :D

aklsghslkh rawrrr. i saw dan and jenny yesterdayyy :) andandand lol me and dan spent like an hour just driving around singing nevershoutnever and i kissed a girl (he has the most fucking amazing car and he just drives around blasting music <3) and he kissed me goodbye and i was like yey.

anddd im seeing jesse this weekenddd. :D

YAY LIFEEEE.

byee <3

..

There is nothing for which I am responsible.
Just this baggage I'll keep carrying on as if
I had someone.

OK, maybe there is a woman somewhere
who's still thinking of me
or a girl with coal black hair
who's haunted in her dreams.
But what they've seen, well it wasn't me.
It was just some lie that they slept beside.
I kept this from them
but I can't keep this from you.

So will you look for me
in that strange, bright place.
Where the statues bloom in the park.
They don't need no rain.

Because how I ever got to you, I have no idea.
It's like some secret door, well it just appeared.
So, no matter what I do from now on with my time.
you will always stay here in my mind.
I am certain of this and I am not certain of anything.

So I want to get myself attached to something bolted down,
So that these winds of circumstance won't keep blowing me around.
From when I land to when I leave
there is enough time to sleep and sing.
I keep running around, when all I want is to lay motionless.

that song always uesd to make me think of kyra. and then i would cry. it makes me me think of sam now. it still makes me cry though.

i like drinking.. because i never really tell people what i feel. i'm always afraid they'll laugh at me or something. and when i'm drunk it doesn't matter anymore.. it's not what other people think. it's just the feelings that matter.

i enver cry. i haven't cried since march.. and i haven't actually cried since november when me and liz broke up.. but i cried a lot tonight..

everybody's right.. i just.. i dnno. i like poeple because they make me happy

but aren't i allowed to be happy? like liz.. we dont really talk anymore but i wouldn't be.. well im not happy now really but when i was happy i wouldnt' have been ifit wasn't for ehr.. and sam.. sam's the best thing that's ever happened to me. she really is. and i love her so much..

i dunno. life is just frustrating. love sucks. life is frusting.. but life doesn't suck.

i miss youuu.

fine. i love you.

im going to sleep now.. g'night <3

dear love

please die.

love sucks. love fucking sucks. i hate love. i wish i could be drunk forever.

molly's asleep and i just sat on my bathroom floor and cried. i don't do crying. ever.

love is bullshit. i give up. :(

it's not like i deserve to be happy anyway.

im gonna go finish the beer. maybe then i wont care anymore.

sigh.

drunekn ramblings. drunken self hatred.

fuck love. love isn't real.

love is alcohol.

bye.

me + vodka = no

oh god. i drank soo fucking much. even by my standards. like i'm okay now. which is kinda crazy cause i was totally shitfaced 2 hours ago but whatever.

i think i told sam i liked her or something. yeah i did. .oops. awkward. i don't. idk. it's confusing. and i gave this guy my number and he's adorablee <33 but he was kinda mean to kaitlyn.. except not really he just said that she wasn't as pretty as me.. but i felt bad cause im ugly lmao.

idk. im crazyyy.

but i got his number. and kaitlyn kissed me and then threw up 5 times and passed out in my bed.

and then i called margaret. and we went on angry rants about our exes. aka kyra andd.. yeah.

and then i ate some bread and now i'm like totally sober.

and now here i am.

yayyyy alcohol.

wtf since when is it 4:40?

holyyy shit wtf i don't remember anything i've done for the last 4 hours. i just looked at the clock and like wtf it's almost 5. WTF IT WAS JUST 3.

sooo. i had a weird night. lol. i got in this really stupid fight with my parents and blahblahblah my mom hit me i hit back and she called the cops. and then i got handcuffed. D:< and then the guy told me if i didn't "calm down" they would take me to valhalla. wtf. yeah i'm the one with problems and everything but it was my mom who went all crazy on me not the other way around.

oh well.

and then i called my friend. aka margaret. aka the girl kyra cheated on me with. weird i know. but whatever. and she was all omg i'm going to nyc sometime (idr when) and i was all omg we're hanging out. and then sam called and i was all omgggg and then i felt really bad cause i didn't know what to say. and yeah.

and now it's 5 am. and here i am.

i just ate chocolate for the first time in like weeks. it was just like 4 of those crappy semi sweet chocolate chips but it's the best thing i've ever tasted omg <33333

and now my stomach hurts.

i think im gonna sleep. maybe. eventually.

night <3

actually now that i actually posted this it's almost 6. fml.

predictable

your smile is strained and you're waiting
for a kiss that just won't come

sooo. i relapsed. haha relapse. i sound like i'm a methhead or something. whatever. it was just for a couple of days. it's not the end of the world. i'll just try again :)

anddd. this is officially the longest i've ever been single. like ever since i was 11 and i had my first boyfriend lmao. D: i hate being single. oh well. it's not the end of the world.

anddd. there's this girl. and i don't really know why i can't get over her but i can't. and this is the longest i've ever been stuck on one freaking person. and it's not like i haven't tried because there's been plenty of other people. oh well. i'll just try harder. it's not the end of the world

anddd. i finally got my period. :o like it stopped for a couple of days when i started throwing up again but it's all good again. and i'm almost back to size 00. yayyy. :)

andd.. actually that's it.

31 days

still ain't getting any easier. :\

sooo. i was the (slightly) sober friend for a change last night. lmao. so molly slept over and kaitlyn was there for a while but she left. and took a whole pack of my fucking cigarettes. D:< like wtf i know she has money problems and whatever but i'm not made out of fucking money. she still hasn't paid me back for her $100 apw ticket. or all the packs of cigarettes she takes. like wtf if money is as tight as she says it is stop fucking smoking.

buttttt anywayyy. so. uhm. we had 3 six packs. molly drank 4. i drank the rest. i was tipsy for 20 minutes. she was piss drunk for the rest of the night and kept begging me for more. i was like "YOU DON'T NEED ANYMORE YOU'RE DRUNK D:<" and she's like "no i'm not bitc--OMG THAT BRIDGE IS SO BIG MAGGIE LOOK AT THE BRIDGE OMG IT'S SO BIGGG IT WAS NEVER THAT BIG BEFORE -tripfalldie-"

yeppp.

ohhh so i'm finally done being all antisocial and everything. thank godd. lmao.

uhh. i have nothing to write about.

OH WAIT. i finally got my period. :o yayyyy i'm not dyinggg.

i'm actually happy to be on my period lmfao i haven't had a legit period in months (last month it was 2 days long and i didn't get it at all in march)

alkshgalkshgklhkh im doneee byeeee.

shgkjakg

so my friend might be pregnant. :x
our conversation?
her: it broke
me: huh?
her: it broke
me: you broke his cock?!
her: no. it starts with a c
me: ..you broke your cunt?
her: no
me: clit?
her: co..
me: you broke your.. cont?
her: cond.
me: JESUS CHRIST.

soooo. yeah. :\
uhmmm. so i visited suny purchase the other day. and like omgggg i have never seen so many gay pride badge/color wearing, paint covered smoking people. i was like, "omg my peopleeee <33333"

godd i can't believe im applying to colleges in like, 4 months. idk if i like it or not.

uhhh. that's it for now i guess

byee <3

lmfao

omg awkwardest weirdest conversation ever = kyra + "wait you're not a virgin?"

and then she practically interviewed me on everybody i've ever had sex with. and then told me everybody she's had sex with even though it was so obvious she was lying about like all of them.. lmao.

yayyy for odd ex girlfriends with compulsive lying problems.

ohhh by the wayy i'm pretty sure i have borderline. it sounds exactly like me.

People with this disorder are prone to unpredictable outbursts of anger, which sometimes manifest in self-injurious behavior. Borderlines are highly sensitive to rejection, and fear of abandonment may result in frantic efforts to avoid being left alone, such as suicide threats and attempts. Those suffering from BPD are also prone to other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating, risky sex, and drug and alcohol abuse. They often exhibit additional psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and other personality disorders. Symptoms typically begin in early adulthood, and once present, can interfere with relationships, work performance, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. The disorder is also referred to as Emotional Regulation Disorder (ERD), which many feel more accurately describes the true nature of the illness.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image.
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (extreme changes in mood typically lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

like every single one of those is exactly like me. that's pretty much a giant paragraph that perfectly describes my personality. there isn't a single thing there that doesn't apply to me. idk. haha. and avoidant personality disorder too.

ohh and i went on this whole rant about when recovery ends and life starts. like seriously. i'm a recovering anorexic, bulimic, druggie, alkie and cutter. it's like, when does recovery end and life start?

i was thinking about it though, and really, life is recovery. every day is a struggle. every time i eat i have this awful urge to go and stick a toothbrush down my throat or just not eat. i can't remember the last time i went through a day without thinking about walking to shoprite and getting a 12 pack or a bunch of wine and drinking it all.

recovery is life. life is learning and growing and making mistakes and learning from them. all my stupid addictions are my mistakes, and recovery is learning from them.

well that's.. even dumber than what i normally write. which is saying something. but i dunno.

sooooo. i'm visiting suny purchase tomorrow. even though i don't really want to go to school.. anywhere in the northeast really, but eh. my parents are kinda pushing it on me. i dunno. it might be okay.

wow. this is long. i doubt anybody's gonna read this all. if you do.. uhh. have a cookie.

small favors

dear sam. i loveeeeeeeee youuuu. :) you make me smile. even though it feels like we hardly ever talk anymore and i miss you :(

sooo. kyra called earlier. and.. i dunno. i've been really lonely lately. and i haven't talked to her in 3 months so we talked. about life and her boyfriend and my lack thereof.

and it was nice.

then we started talking about how things used to be and how we finally, FINALLY got over everything we did to each other.

and then she told me she still loves me. :\

i mean, i love her. i have to love her. it's like second nature to me to love her.

i dunno.

i hate how i do this. i lead people on and i let them start to like me and get their hopes up and i really just like one person and it isn't any of them. like whatthehell i just realized how many people i'm doing that to right now. i did this a year ago when i wasn't over kyra to kaitlyn and dylan and dan and amanda and i'm doing it again now to kyra and leo and vincent and amber uhg.

god.

love sucks.

the end. :)

ps. i want a hug.