god.

my fucking therapist. isn't he supposed to be on my side?

>:\

now he's got me studying for the sats. and i'm taking them in june.

like i need any more stress.

god. i'm fifteen fucking years old. i'm not supposed to be scheduling college visits and studying for the sats. i'm supposed to go out and get shitfaced and stoned.

sigh.

oo. so may 18th 2006. the day i came out. :\ yes i still remember lol.

my life has just been a downward spiral ever since.

i feel like just laying down and giving up.

yeah i'm not really in the best mood. sorry.

lskghalkh rawrrr :)

my stomach hurtsss, :(

it's liz's birthdayy. :D i actually called her. cause i'm cool like that. and it's like. whoa. i haven't heard her voice in 6+ months.

don't worry i'm not gonna get all mopey and "wah i miss her" but it's like whoa six months is a long time.

ahaha.

ohhh so me and kaitlyn sorta found out who kaitlyn's dad is. he works at the gas station we buy cigarettes from when the convenience store won't. we've buying cigarettes from her dad for the last god knows how many weeks.

it's crazy.

ohh so i went all.. rawr on life last night. i dunno. i guess i'm kind of on the edge of having another mini emotional breakdown. the last time i had one of those was last year and i ended up in a couple of different mental hospitals.

maybe it's what i need though. i dunno.

OHH AND OMG I FOUND THIS DIARY I KEPT IN 6TH-7TH GRADE LAST NIGHT.

well diaries. there's like 6 notebooks of them. yes i used to keep one. bite me.

it's just kinda crazy to read all this stuff. like it feels like it was forever that i hated myself for being gay but it was only a couple of weeks. and it felt like it took forever for me to start thinking that i was like a full on lesbian instead of being bi but it was only a monthish.

anddd. i spent like 3 hours calling colleges earlier. all of them will take me with a ged and a year of community college. i don't even have to take the SAT's.

so there goes my last chance of going to high school. and new paltz is out. i need 45 credits to transfer in there and i'm not spending 2 years at wcc. oh well. it wasn't like my dream school or anything.

it looks like most of them (UBC pratt, york, blah blah blah) just want 24 credits and a 2.6 gpa. university of iowa wants 24 credits, 2.59 gpa and a 540 ged. which shouldn't be too hard-my gpa from the high school classes i took in 7th/8th grade was like a 3.7 or a 3.8 or something.

:\ i guess i should start working on a portfolio.

sigh.

:)

reasons i love life right noww:

1) it's springgg!!
2) everything's green
3) i've been wearing shorts & tshirts for the past 2 days
4) i have sunburnnn
5) ive been awake since like 8
6) jeffrey (aka mr rawr im a rapist) got caught making out with travis in a bathroom at school. travis is his brother.

i can die happy now. LMFAO

:\

grrr lifeee. grrr peopleee. grr my dad.

lol@the word gr.

ahaha soo i pulled another "rawr let's disappear" thing yesterday and walked around croton until 2:30 in the morning. then it started raining. and i got hit in the face with hail. and the chain on my bike like died. D:<

my dad told me to get out. i did. :\

omggg i spent like 2 hours in the comic book store (stfu im friends with the guy who owns it) talking to this guy leo about life and philosophy an freddie vs jason. he was pretty awesome. :D

i think i have a thing for black guys. especially the ones with emotional problems :x

i kinda freaked out last night and today. haha. idk. i just threw myself a day long pity party. i dunno why. buuuuutttt i'm pretty much all good now. my dad's just an ass and i'm just sick of everybody telling me to kill myself. i know i'm too sensitive.. i guess that's just the way i am.

ohh and i'm not nearly as addicted to smoking as i was afraid i was. i didn't smoke for like.. almost 24 hours. and when i did it was just because i was bored.

sooo. uhh. i dunno. ohohohoh and i only have to lose 3 more pounds and ill be back to the weight i was at before i started throwing up every day. soo.. that's good. except 3 pounds is a lot harder than it sounds when you're like a fucking midget D:<

okayyy i'm doneee :)

wow mood swings

i chain smoked until the room started spinning and wrote a 5,000 word short story.

i feel better now. :)

AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TOMORROW & ALL WEEKEND :3

yayyyy lifeee <3333

i love springg. omgomgomg and it's soo pretty outside. there's like flowers everywhere and the trees have leaves on them and.. :) yay.

maggie happyyyyy

also sam ily <3333

fuck you.

D:<

scrambled shit

so i was making pancakes a little while ago. and i wanted chocolate chip pancakes but we didn't have any chocolate chips so i put chocolate syrup in instead.

i had to cook it like scrambled eggs

it looks like scrambled shit.

it's the best thing i have ever tasted.

i freaking love you

i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you

some decisions you don't make

i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you

i know that it is late 

but thank you for talking cause i needed to

some things just can't wait

so that explains how i feel better than i probably can.

and i actually do feel so much better now.

..:)

thank you for existing.

this wasted year

hai new blog.

i'm a wreck.

ten months sitting here trying so fucking hard to stay sober all down the fucking drain in bottles of shitty red wine.

i have no idea what i'm doing.

everything wrong and all my sadness is turning from something that affects me in days and weeks and months into years and no matter how hard i try to make it stop, no matter long i stay clean or sober, it always comes back. six years of cutting. three years of drinking. two and a half years of eating disorders. two years of painkillers.

somebody please just tell me that it's going to be okay someday. because i'm starting to lose faith in myself.