rip baby.

i thought she was getting better. she seemed so much healthier today. she was up and wagging her tail and everything. and then i came home from work and she just barked at me once and when i walked in she was just.. laying there with her head falling off the bed and her mouth open and she could hardly breathe.

i just held her and kissed her and told her she'd be okay, that she'd get better and my poor puppy looked at me and stopped breathing.

i can't forget that. i looked my baby in the eyes while she died and i lied to her. i lied to my dog.

and i keep hearing my mom screaming and shaking her and just screaming and screaming and my dad standing outside the window with his fucking cigarette in his hand.

i never realized how much i love that insane little hairball until now.

i can't remember the last time i cried this much in one night. i went downstairs and kissed her goodnight and she was still warm. the look on her face just killed me. she was in so much fucking pain and i couldn't do anything to help her.

she was always terrified of being alone. she was abused so badly before we had her and whenever we went on vacation, she would freak out and always have to be in the same room as one of us, and we'd take her in the car with us wherever we went. at least she didn't have to die alone.

god. my poor baby. my poor poor little shadow. she's only 8 years old at the oldest and she's dead. my mom keeps telling me that i have to let myself feel pain and she thinks that just because i won't cry it doesn't hurt. laura keeps telling me that she loved me with all her heart and you know what? i loved her too.

i have her collar and a sweatshirt that's covered with her fur in my bed with me. gross? yeah. i don't care.

the last picture ever taken of her was with me. two weeks ago she was perfectly healthy and now she's a corpse. i just can't fucking believe this.

i hope we made her happy enough to make up for how much she suffered.

i don't even know how many times i fell asleep crying on you and you'd always make me smile. i love you, my beautiful, smart, sweet puppy. rest in peace <33