i don't want to stop kissing you.

i think i liked you a little more than i thought i did

today i realized that i am ugly, useless, untalented, unlikeable, constantly used and nobody really cares about me or how i fucked up my life and i will never be anything else.

somehow, it's comforting. my failures aren't a surprise.

dear you, i miss you. i don't know what i miss, but it hurts so much it's like somebody kicked me in the chest and i don't know what else to do but cry over it and you aren't my best friend or my girlfriend or my anything anymore and you don't tell me everything will be okay anymore.

i'm starting to think that there's always gonna be a day where there's nothing to do and i'll think about you until it breaks my heart all over again. i wish i could erase you. i wish you would miss me too.

i had to admit that to someone :/

I don't know who i am. I don't even have a favorite color, a favorite anything. I feel like anything i know about myself and any characteristic i have has been stolen from someone else and their personalities. I have no self esteem or confidence, and am slowly losing my self respect.

I want to meet someone who looks like him... same eyes, same hair, same smile. Same amazing sense of humor, but also the serious, dependable, caring side. I want him to smell the same, look the same, act the same, BE the same. The only difference? I want him to love me back... For once.

I hate being the ugly one my the group of friends.

16653.) It’s lonely here without you.

I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss how you would always make me laugh. I wish you missed me too.

why does it feel like the most important people in my life are just.. disappearing the last few months.

i act like i dont care but in all honestly, it hurts like fuck :/

10913.) I don’t have proper emotions. I feel nothing for people. When I’m in relationships I’ll make up excuses to get out of them because after a few days they begin to annoy the hell out of me!

15152.) I know it’s stupid to delete you off myspace, facebook, etc, but fuck, you’re really hurting me. I don’t want to think of you anymore.

15151.) i want to make some new friends but still keep the old friends even though I’m not always included there the only people i can turn too. I have no one else really.

15125.) I need you to tell me its over.

15096.) Sometimes, I wish I could fake my own death just to see if anyone would notice.

15070.) I feel ugly all the time.

When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

i am going nowhere because i'm terrified to move. doing nothing isn't exciting but it's safe.

blahh.

And sometimes I need someone to say, "You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear, and empty handed after two long years


i'm okay. i am. i got over the eating disorders and i quit coke and i stopped cutting and i don't want to die anymore. i'm happy to be alive. i'm not so weak that i can't even get out of bed anymore, and i did it alone. good for me, but it isn't enough.

i deserve more than what i've been set up for; i'm capable of so much more and i know i am now.

i gained 18 pounds. i wish somebody would say they were proud of me or at least that i look better because i am still self conscious. but whatever. i know that it's what i needed, anyway, and that's enough for me.

i dunno. i need to get out of here. i need to live a normal life. i can't keep running away from everything. i know that's what i do, and i know that i can't keep this up much longer if nothing changes.

i'm going to start slipping and i can't. let's be honest here, i'm so lucky i didn't die over the last year. i don't think i can take doing any of this again. emotionally, i can't, and physically, i can't. i said at the beginning of the year that i'm going to be made or i'm going to be broken and i refuse to break. i absolutely refuse to go back to where i was.

whatthefuckiswrongwithmeee.

i've lost it. but not really, it's always like this.

this isn't getting better. it's gonna get worse and worse and i'm starting to feel like i'm not gonna live to see next year.

i want to get out of here but no matter where i got i'm still fucking stuck with whatever the fuck is wrong in my head that makes it impossible for me to just be okay. i keep saying i wish i could get the fuck out of here but i don't have anywhere to go. i don't have anybody who cares enough.

i'm fucking lonely.

i don't know how to fix this. no matter what i do, i always fuck something up. always.

anywhere but here. anyone but me. anything but this.

or just give me some drugs. i don't care what they'll do to me anymore. maybe i need another overdose to scare some sense into me. obviously the first one didn't quite do the trick.

and in the morning, i'll probably wake up and wonder what the fuck i was thinking. but i thought that yesterday and the day before and the day before so who knows.

i don't fucking know what to do anymore.

happy new years and some self analytical bullshit

sooo its a new year. yayy. you know, i never really got the whole changing for a new year shit or whatever, but oh well.

I dunno. I'm tired of always holding my tongue and I'm tired of being built around nothing but my own self destruction. I don't want to promise things will be better or ill be happy, because I know ill just let myself down, but I think I might as well try. Really, honestly try. If nothing else, over the last year I've realized that I'm nowhere near invicible.

Soo uhmm. Yeah. Happy new year.