lmfao

omg awkwardest weirdest conversation ever = kyra + "wait you're not a virgin?"

and then she practically interviewed me on everybody i've ever had sex with. and then told me everybody she's had sex with even though it was so obvious she was lying about like all of them.. lmao.

yayyy for odd ex girlfriends with compulsive lying problems.

ohhh by the wayy i'm pretty sure i have borderline. it sounds exactly like me.

People with this disorder are prone to unpredictable outbursts of anger, which sometimes manifest in self-injurious behavior. Borderlines are highly sensitive to rejection, and fear of abandonment may result in frantic efforts to avoid being left alone, such as suicide threats and attempts. Those suffering from BPD are also prone to other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating, risky sex, and drug and alcohol abuse. They often exhibit additional psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and other personality disorders. Symptoms typically begin in early adulthood, and once present, can interfere with relationships, work performance, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. The disorder is also referred to as Emotional Regulation Disorder (ERD), which many feel more accurately describes the true nature of the illness.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image.
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (extreme changes in mood typically lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

like every single one of those is exactly like me. that's pretty much a giant paragraph that perfectly describes my personality. there isn't a single thing there that doesn't apply to me. idk. haha. and avoidant personality disorder too.

ohh and i went on this whole rant about when recovery ends and life starts. like seriously. i'm a recovering anorexic, bulimic, druggie, alkie and cutter. it's like, when does recovery end and life start?

i was thinking about it though, and really, life is recovery. every day is a struggle. every time i eat i have this awful urge to go and stick a toothbrush down my throat or just not eat. i can't remember the last time i went through a day without thinking about walking to shoprite and getting a 12 pack or a bunch of wine and drinking it all.

recovery is life. life is learning and growing and making mistakes and learning from them. all my stupid addictions are my mistakes, and recovery is learning from them.

well that's.. even dumber than what i normally write. which is saying something. but i dunno.

sooooo. i'm visiting suny purchase tomorrow. even though i don't really want to go to school.. anywhere in the northeast really, but eh. my parents are kinda pushing it on me. i dunno. it might be okay.

wow. this is long. i doubt anybody's gonna read this all. if you do.. uhh. have a cookie.