rip baby.

i thought she was getting better. she seemed so much healthier today. she was up and wagging her tail and everything. and then i came home from work and she just barked at me once and when i walked in she was just.. laying there with her head falling off the bed and her mouth open and she could hardly breathe.

i just held her and kissed her and told her she'd be okay, that she'd get better and my poor puppy looked at me and stopped breathing.

i can't forget that. i looked my baby in the eyes while she died and i lied to her. i lied to my dog.

and i keep hearing my mom screaming and shaking her and just screaming and screaming and my dad standing outside the window with his fucking cigarette in his hand.

i never realized how much i love that insane little hairball until now.

i can't remember the last time i cried this much in one night. i went downstairs and kissed her goodnight and she was still warm. the look on her face just killed me. she was in so much fucking pain and i couldn't do anything to help her.

she was always terrified of being alone. she was abused so badly before we had her and whenever we went on vacation, she would freak out and always have to be in the same room as one of us, and we'd take her in the car with us wherever we went. at least she didn't have to die alone.

god. my poor baby. my poor poor little shadow. she's only 8 years old at the oldest and she's dead. my mom keeps telling me that i have to let myself feel pain and she thinks that just because i won't cry it doesn't hurt. laura keeps telling me that she loved me with all her heart and you know what? i loved her too.

i have her collar and a sweatshirt that's covered with her fur in my bed with me. gross? yeah. i don't care.

the last picture ever taken of her was with me. two weeks ago she was perfectly healthy and now she's a corpse. i just can't fucking believe this.

i hope we made her happy enough to make up for how much she suffered.

i don't even know how many times i fell asleep crying on you and you'd always make me smile. i love you, my beautiful, smart, sweet puppy. rest in peace <33

i couldn't think of a title.

she makes me smile. she gets me. she's been through the eating disorders and depression and anxiety and she knows all the right things to say. she's really amazing.

shit. so this has gone from a spark of interest like a year ago to ignoring it to meaningless almost sex to a tiny crush to.. this.

i mean she isn't straight.. but i dunno how far "open" extends. it's weird. because it's not so much that i want sex or even a relationship, i just feel so normal around her. except that's not the right word.

uhggg. this is ridiculous but i really don't care because it's not like i'm going to act on this unless she gives me a reason to.

she has the cutest freckles on her nose and she kissed me again tonight while we were laying in the grass and looking at the stars and pretty much telling each other our life stories. she told me how amazing and smart and gorgeous she thinks i am and that she thinks i have the prettiest eyes and i never remember things like that but i remember every word.

okay i sound like a creep. whateverrr. this is just so weird coming from me.

we got in one of those cute coupleish arguments where she's like "you're hot" and i'm like no you are.

i need to stop. i'm gonna stop now i promise haha

sooo i got a job at the library :DD andand i make $8 an hour which is okay and i work 4 days a week to start.. which is like reallyy good for the library. usually they start you at like 2 hours a week and i got 8 :D

lmao, shut up, it's a start. i need money. and jason works at the library! <33 omg yay i'm hanging out with him on sunday.. i miss him so much. he was at camp for forever and then i was in north carolina ): blah.

23 days until kansas. i should be more excited but i'm not. we'll see what happens i guess.

stupid thing that'll come to pull us apart.

rawr.

i haven't blogged in a while. butttt now i am (:

i'm in north carolina :O but i'm leaving tomorroww ahhh. and then i'm leaving for kansas in like 3 weeks omg.

oh jesus christ i just realized today is kyra's and my 3 year anniversary thing. except i still don't know what we are. i dunno. it's complicated okay? just go with it D:<

rawrrrr.

i can't wait to see kyra (: i miss her <3

ladidaa.

i can't believe summer is over already. D: WHATTHESHIT. I WAS JUST GETTING USED TO IT. uhggg it was so cold all summer too D:

oh well. at least it'll be a little warm for another month.

lalalalaa. i like the beach :D