i've been looking for answers. i've been getting high or staying sober and staying up all night and thinking and thinking and trying to find the answer for why i am the way i am today.
i found it.
question: why do i do the things i've done to myself and why did i want it?
answer: i'm afraid of sameness. i hate routine.
it explains everything. why did i always cheat on people? i got bored. i got sick of the sameness. why can't i hold a relationship? because we always fall into the same routines and patterns.
why do i always end up with a new group every few months? i figure out what everyone does and how they spend their time and it isn't new anymore.
why was last summer and september so terrible in retrospect? i fell into routine. i spent every day the same way, doing the same things and keeping the same hours and nothing new happened. nobody new showed up. nothing changed.
why was liz so important? she pulled me out of that. she was that new person. she was that change. and why didn't i get bored of her? she wasn't everyone else. i broke every one of my rules about dating with her. she's exactly the opposite of everyone i've dated.
for the longest time, when i looked back on october-january, i always wondered where i went wrong and how i managed to fuck it up. it started to feel the same. i got bored of waking up every morning and doing work and skateboarding and cooking and then going to sleep so i stuck a toothbrush down my throat again.
and then once that was the same, i stopped, and when life without bulimia became the same, i started again, and when that was routine too, i started getting high and i was always so pissed off and sad when i was high because it made me think about who i was and where i went wrong and i hated everything about myself and i hated myself for fucking it up without any real reason.
once the pot and alcohol became routine, i threw in coke and x and vicodin until they ran out.
why was i always so drawn to drugs and eating disorders and the lives of those people? because it was so completely different from what i was.
every spring and summer, i've gotten sick of myself and i try to completely change who i am. i change my hair and makeup and clothes and friends and habits and speech and hobbies, and by autumn and winter i'm sick of living my newest experiment and i come back to myself, and i'm not as flashy or out there but i'm happy. and then happiness fades away and life turns into routine and then it all repeats.
and i've been so unhappy because i keep focusing on one thing; my life will revolve around bulimia or cigarettes or drugs or a girl or something, anything and then i'll get bored and sick of it and try to make it stop and find something new. my life can't revolve around just one obsession of the week because it makes me miserable.
i'm always fascinated by old pictures of myself when i'm high because i can't recognize who i was then. i can't believe that it's me that i'm looking at and i can't believe that was the life i was living.
i need variety. i need more than this house and these stories i write and these cigarettes i smoke and the coffee i drink every morning.
so if all of this is true, how come i keep coming back to the same girl i've been with on and off with for years? she's never the same. things are always new with her because she doesn't fall into routine.
she's the one thing i'll keep the same because i need something constant so i don't lose all of myself in the puppets i keep letting turn into me and play out my life with.
i can be happy now. i can make this all stop and i can fix this. i can make myself happy. oh my fucking god, it's over. i can be happy again.
fucking christ, this is long.
