blahh.

And sometimes I need someone to say, "You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear, and empty handed after two long years


i'm okay. i am. i got over the eating disorders and i quit coke and i stopped cutting and i don't want to die anymore. i'm happy to be alive. i'm not so weak that i can't even get out of bed anymore, and i did it alone. good for me, but it isn't enough.

i deserve more than what i've been set up for; i'm capable of so much more and i know i am now.

i gained 18 pounds. i wish somebody would say they were proud of me or at least that i look better because i am still self conscious. but whatever. i know that it's what i needed, anyway, and that's enough for me.

i dunno. i need to get out of here. i need to live a normal life. i can't keep running away from everything. i know that's what i do, and i know that i can't keep this up much longer if nothing changes.

i'm going to start slipping and i can't. let's be honest here, i'm so lucky i didn't die over the last year. i don't think i can take doing any of this again. emotionally, i can't, and physically, i can't. i said at the beginning of the year that i'm going to be made or i'm going to be broken and i refuse to break. i absolutely refuse to go back to where i was.